Self love is not selfish at all. Loving yourself is one of the most beautiful things you can do for yourself, and others. How can you expect others to love you if you have no love for you?
With a lack of self-love, we may even choose the wrong partners, people who tread on our spirits and make us feel less, people who do not deserve to be with us. A lack of self-love can lead to making wrong partner choices – and also bad choices in friends.
When you love yourself, your confidence increases, and you project that to the rest of the world. That is a lot more attractive than the right hairstyle or make up. Make up can be washed off, and that striking hairdo can get messed up with a little wind. A self loving human, however, transmits not only inner confidence, but also a beauty that no wind can blow away.
When you love yourself, you feel more attractive. I recently saw this post on Instagram, it stated “there is nothing more attractive than a woman who feels beautiful.” And of course, the same goes for men 🙂
If you have done the first self-love task that I assigned you in How to have Self Love (part 1), then let’s move on to the next assignment. If you haven’t, you can remain on this page and follow the below recommendations, and refer to my first post after that; or you can start with my first post and then move on to this one, whichever you feel more comfortable with or you think will be more useful for you 🙂
What Causes a Lack of Self Love?
This is usually a consequence of certain life circumstances that left a void in your life or deeply damaged your confidence and feelings of self-worth. Abuse comes to mind, bullying, and any other attacks against a human’s spirit. Abuse and bullying are attacks on your mind and on your self-worth; they are assaults on the king or queen that you truly are, bashing you again and again until the king or the queen is reduced to a nobody.
Difficult and/or abusive childhoods lead to this, no doubt, and also abuse or being taken advantage of at later stages in life.
What Happens Then?
When you lost love of yourself, finding a good partner is often hard. Perhaps you just want to fill the void, seeking a romantic relationship without having love for yourself. Such relationships usually do not last, having high expectations but instead they are unfulfilling for both sides.
Another consequence could be that you may feel undeserving of the kind of relationship you want and therefore you could end up tolerating a partner who is less than optimal.
I live in Mexico, and there is a saying here which I find very applicable: “Mejor solo que mal acompañado”. It means “better to be alone than in bad company”. Although this makes sense, there are so many couples who remain in their unhappily ever after, because they are either afraid of facing loneliness or think they don’t deserve better.
Loneliness is not equal to being alone. Living alone doesn’t mean you’re lonely; however, you could feel quite lonely when you are surrounded by the wrong people.
Fall in Love with Yourself!
The only way to find deep and meaningful relationships with others is by loving yourself truly. Fall in love with yourself!
“How? I don’t like looking at myself in the mirror …”
If that’s the case, then learn to love looking at yourself. Look in the mirror, and really look at yourself, at your eyes, nose, mouth, hair, … and tell yourself that you’re beautiful. If there is something you don’t like, then perhaps you can do something about it, and I mean things like acne, OK? Not your nose, or lips, or wrinkles, that is who you are, and we are not touching that, but we are accepting it.
Forget about the skinny, photoshopped magazine models. They needed hours of make up and hair styling and posing before they achieved that “perfect picture”. We can be beautiful without all that vain effort.
Eating Healthy
The things we can change, like a few extra pounds, acne, or allergies for example, can be removed with a healthy, plant-based diet. If the idea of changing your diet does not appeal to you, then try to do it gradually, or have a few veggie days per week and see what it does for you. Did I mention that a healthy diet also improves your mood and energy?
The diet is not my assignment in this blog post ;-), it is just my personal recommendation, since it did wonders for me and many other people who switched to plant-based diets.
Steps to Take for YOU
It’s OK to say no. Don’t be a push over. You can’t always bend over backwards to please everyone else, placing their needs over yours. You also have value, and what you want and need is just as important. It’s all right to say no to things you don’t really want to do. If someone makes you feel bad or guilty about it, don’t pay them any attention, and perhaps you should wonder if a real friend would honestly want to give you a guilt trip.
Fitting in should not be a struggle. If you can’t fit in with a group of people, at work, in your neighborhood, or anywhere else, then don’t. It’s perfectly all right to stand out. In fact, stop this useless struggle to belong to people you probably shouldn’t belong to. If you stand out, then be proud of that.
Find people who accept you for who you are, who do not require you to run an uphill race to win them over; people who bring you joy, who respect and care about you, and who complement your personality like the missing piece of the puzzle.
There is no point trying to fit in with people who will never bring you any joy or happiness. Find the ones who complement you, not the ones who pull the puzzle pieces out of you and make the broken puzzle crash on the floor.
Don’t sacrifice your health and happiness for responsibilities. I did that, after I bought my land. I sacrificed so much for it that I forgot to enjoy the ride. Don’t make that mistake.
Work superiors may sometimes also have high expectations of you, causing you to put in overtime and sacrificing your family and yourself. I’m sorry to put it so blandly, but any employee is expendable. The company does not depend on you alone.
The company will not collapse if you go home on time and focus on yourself. It will continue to function and it should even function much better with employees who have the time to relax and reconnect with themselves, resulting in them working more efficiently.
Do not allow people to use guilt against you. Some friends or romantic partners will not accept “no” for an answer and they will use guilt to get their way. The crafty ones will even align their reasoning with your values, making it hard for you to refuse, but please don’t let them manipulate you. If this is something they do repeatedly, then I would reconsider that “friendship”.
There are, of course, urgent situations that require our immediate help, and in those cases self-sacrifice is justified. Nonetheless, make sure to differentiate between manipulative behavior or genuine requests for help; and remember to always place your happiness and well-being first.
Don’t settle for less than you deserve.
Today I’m leaving this quote here: “Be proud of who you are, and not ashamed of how someone else sees you.”
This is such a beautiful article, Christine. It’s crucial that we love ourselves, as we are fearfully and wonderfully made by the hands of God. Others will only treat us how we allow them to treat us; if we don’t love and respect ourselves, we won’t expect others to. I have a very giving heart, and while I love to help others (the Bible says that it’s better to give than to receive), there are certain individuals who try to take my kindness for granted (and for a weakness). I have a saying: I am nice, but not naive. Haha I will continue to love God, love myself, and love others; let’s all work together to make this world a better place! God bless you!
Hi Carletta,
It is very true that others will only treat us how we allow them to treat us. It is wonderful to be giving, but -as you say – not be naive 😉
Thank you for your comment! Let’s indeed do our part to make this world a better place 🙂
Hmm! This is really great to see and I must say that I value everything you have shared out here. To be honest, a lot of people have dampened spirit and we go about our normal activities with a very low self esteem and this on its own is always dangerous for our health. What you have shared here is immense. Learning to love ourselves and appreciating who we are goes a long way to pointing certain things about what makes us humans and appreciate the unique being we are
Hi Phillip,
Having a low spirit is indeed not good for our health. The mind and the body are connected and a dampened spirit can affect the body in different ways. Appreciating the unique being that we are is an important lesson to learn and yet, it seems to be a lesson many are afraid to learn … Loving ourselves, however, opens up so many possibilities for us.
Thank you for your great comment!
Beautiful article well constructed and written with lovely use of words and emotions Christine
Look forward to more of your posts
Thank you, Trevor! Have a beautiful day! 🙂
Thanks so much for this amazing article on self love, most people are so busy that can’t even look at mirror, I like the idea of those models even though they busy but still take care of themselves, the quote too also catch my attention , that Be proud of who you are, and not ashamed of how someone else sees you. Good article enjoy it, another point is be proud of yourself. I will read it again and again.
Hi Eunice,
Yes, exactly, be proud of who you are. Don’t be ashamed of how someone else sees you. Not everyone deserves to see the best of you, right? If some can’t see the beauty in you, then move on from those people. You are not here to please them or live up to their expectations.
I’m glad you like my article.
Thank you for your comment!
You have a very moving post here about loving yourself. I have found that to be so true. A number of times I have let myself be used, just so I wouldn’t be lonely. Now, sometimes I’m lonely, but it’s better than picking out someone who doesn’t value me. I have been on a long path to loving myself, it’s taking awhile, but it’s ongoing project. Great post, well written, and I take your advice to heart. Thank you.
Hi Anthony,
It is indeed an ongoing project. As with any relationship, the relationship with yourself also needs nurturing. Like a garden needs to be watered every day, self-love is also a path that continues.
Thank you for your comment, and I’m glad that you found this post useful 🙂
Hi Christine, you are so right. Self-love is a prerequisite for health and success in so many areas of life. Without self-love, we undermine ourselves with feelings of lack of self-worth which inevitably leads to poor choices both in our professional and in our personal lives. I think is one of those areas where it is possible to have an intellectual understanding of something and even intellectually be convinced that this is something that you need to do and yet still not find the way to do it. The chances are that there are deep-rooted demons hiding in dark recesses of our consciousness. These are probably the remnants of past emotional trauma and to achieve true and real self-love you have to get at these and nullify them. This has certainly been my experience. I have long understood and accepted the need for self-love but it wasn’t until I confronted some deep-seated issues with my relationships with my parents that I was able to get past obstacles. Fortunately, I set about tackling this while they were still alive so I was able to deal with these in person. Traumatic though that was. thanks for a great article. Best regards, Andy
Hi Andy,
Wow, I must congratulate you for having confronted those issues with your relationships with your parents. Not everyone has the courage to do this. I’m glad that you were able to deal with it and with your parents, that is wonderful!
Thank you for your comment!
What a nice post you wrote ! I really enjoyed reading it and could not be silent about your post so I decided to leave my comment here and say Thank You for sharing this quality post. Actually I was looking for information about the finding self-love and when I landed on your website and read this post, it answered all my questions in details and it was exactly what I wanted to know.
I’m happy that you’ve decided to write about this topic and share it with others. It’s very useful post in my opinion and can definitely be used as a great source for everyone who is interested in this topic.
I will definitely come back to your site again to read more posts. Keep up quality articles! 🙂
Best,
Ali
Hi Ali,
Thank you very much! I am so glad that you find this useful and I hope to see you again here soon 🙂
Thank you for this article. It is so true, settling for less than you deserve is one of the reasons we stop loving ourselves. Guilt is another reason why we stop loving ourselves. I find myself regretting things from my past that back then I did not. I learned to accept myself and understand that my mistakes were based on my awareness at that time and that I cannot judge past mistakes based on what I know now.
Thank you
Kind regards,
Yoana
Very true, it is no good to judge yourself for past mistakes. I have done it too and it only leads to more guilt. The past is in the past, and it is as you say, what we did was based on our awareness at that time. That is beautifully put.
Thank you for your comment!
Hi Christine,
Thanks for this article, sharing with us the tips to love ourselves. It’s an evergreen topic of all time, and it’s a shame that people still suffer from this issue. I used to be negative and degrade myself in the past when people compliment me for things that I am good at. But, I am getting better now because I practice some steps you listed here every single day.
If you want to love yourself, I would recommend setting small daily tasks to change your mind. For example, you can talk to yourself that finds one thing you do excellent today & treat yourself a little bit. Or, only compare yourself with yourself yesterday so that you won’t compete with others & you will start admiring yourself gradually. The process does take some time, but you will see it if you practice enough from now on.
Thanks for sharing, I think mental health is something people ignore all the time, and your article is indeed helping.
Matt
Hi Matt,
Thank you for these great tips! I also often reward myself for some excellent work I did or a goal I accomplished, or anythng I did well on a particular day. Compare yourself with who you were yesterday, not with others, very true.
I am happy my article is of help, and I appreciate your useful additions in your comment!
Have a great day!
Thank you for this article.