Self love is not selfish at all. Loving yourself is one of the most beautiful things you can do for yourself, and others. How can you expect others to love you if you have no love for you?
With a lack of self-love, we may even choose the wrong partners, people who tread on our spirits and make us feel less, people who do not deserve to be with us. A lack of self-love can lead to making wrong partner choices – and also bad choices in friends.
When you love yourself, your confidence increases, and you project that to the rest of the world. That is a lot more attractive than the right hairstyle or make up. Make up can be washed off, and that striking hairdo can get messed up with a little wind. A self loving human, however, transmits not only inner confidence, but also a beauty that no wind can blow away.
When you love yourself, you feel more attractive. I recently saw this post on Instagram, it stated “there is nothing more attractive than a woman who feels beautiful.” And of course, the same goes for men 🙂
If you have done the first self-love task that I assigned you in How to have Self Love (part 1), then let’s move on to the next assignment. If you haven’t, you can remain on this page and follow the below recommendations, and refer to my first post after that; or you can start with my first post and then move on to this one, whichever you feel more comfortable with or you think will be more useful for you 🙂
What Causes a Lack of Self Love?
This is usually a consequence of certain life circumstances that left a void in your life or deeply damaged your confidence and feelings of self-worth. Abuse comes to mind, bullying, and any other attacks against a human’s spirit. Abuse and bullying are attacks on your mind and on your self-worth; they are assaults on the king or queen that you truly are, bashing you again and again until the king or the queen is reduced to a nobody.
Difficult and/or abusive childhoods lead to this, no doubt, and also abuse or being taken advantage of at later stages in life.
What Happens Then?
When you lost love of yourself, finding a good partner is often hard. Perhaps you just want to fill the void, seeking a romantic relationship without having love for yourself. Such relationships usually do not last, having high expectations but instead they are unfulfilling for both sides.
Another consequence could be that you may feel undeserving of the kind of relationship you want and therefore you could end up tolerating a partner who is less than optimal.
I live in Mexico, and there is a saying here which I find very applicable: “Mejor solo que mal acompañado”. It means “better to be alone than in bad company”. Although this makes sense, there are so many couples who remain in their unhappily ever after, because they are either afraid of facing loneliness or think they don’t deserve better.
Loneliness is not equal to being alone. Living alone doesn’t mean you’re lonely; however, you could feel quite lonely when you are surrounded by the wrong people.
Fall in Love with Yourself!
The only way to find deep and meaningful relationships with others is by loving yourself truly. Fall in love with yourself!
“How? I don’t like looking at myself in the mirror …”
If that’s the case, then learn to love looking at yourself. Look in the mirror, and really look at yourself, at your eyes, nose, mouth, hair, … and tell yourself that you’re beautiful. If there is something you don’t like, then perhaps you can do something about it, and I mean things like acne, OK? Not your nose, or lips, or wrinkles, that is who you are, and we are not touching that, but we are accepting it.
Forget about the skinny, photoshopped magazine models. They needed hours of make up and hair styling and posing before they achieved that “perfect picture”. We can be beautiful without all that vain effort.
The things we can change, like a few extra pounds, acne, or allergies for example, can be removed with a healthy, plant-based diet. If the idea of changing your diet does not appeal to you, then try to do it gradually, or have a few veggie days per week and see what it does for you. Did I mention that a healthy diet also improves your mood and energy?
The diet is not my assignment in this blog post ;-), it is just my personal recommendation, since it did wonders for me and many other people who switched to plant-based diets.
Steps to Take for YOU
It’s OK to say no. Don’t be a push over. You can’t always bend over backwards to please everyone else, placing their needs over yours. You also have value, and what you want and need is just as important. It’s all right to say no to things you don’t really want to do. If someone makes you feel bad or guilty about it, don’t pay them any attention, and perhaps you should wonder if a real friend would honestly want to give you a guilt trip.
Fitting in should not be a struggle. If you can’t fit in with a group of people, at work, in your neighborhood, or anywhere else, then don’t. It’s perfectly all right to stand out. In fact, stop this useless struggle to belong to people you probably shouldn’t belong to. If you stand out, then be proud of that.
Find people who accept you for who you are, who do not require you to run an uphill race to win them over; people who bring you joy, who respect and care about you, and who complement your personality like the missing piece of the puzzle.
There is no point trying to fit in with people who will never bring you any joy or happiness. Find the ones who complement you, not the ones who pull the puzzle pieces out of you and make the broken puzzle crash on the floor.
Don’t sacrifice your health and happiness for responsibilities. I did that, after I bought my land. I sacrificed so much for it that I forgot to enjoy the ride. Don’t make that mistake.
Work superiors may sometimes also have high expectations of you, causing you to put in overtime and sacrificing your family and yourself. I’m sorry to put it so blandly, but any employee is expendable. The company does not depend on you alone.
The company will not collapse if you go home on time and focus on yourself. It will continue to function and it should even function much better with employees who have the time to relax and reconnect with themselves, resulting in them working more efficiently.
Do not allow people to use guilt against you. Some friends or romantic partners will not accept “no” for an answer and they will use guilt to get their way. The crafty ones will even align their reasoning with your values, making it hard for you to refuse, but please don’t let them manipulate you. If this is something they do repeatedly, then I would reconsider that “friendship”.
There are, of course, urgent situations that require our immediate help, and in those cases self-sacrifice is justified. Nonetheless, make sure to differentiate between manipulative behavior or genuine requests for help; and remember to always place your happiness and well-being first.
Don’t settle for less than you deserve.
Today I’m leaving this quote here: “Be proud of who you are, and not ashamed of how someone else sees you.”